Heartache....

Can you feel heartache? Literally feel your heart aching? I wasn't sure it was possible. I have felt pain and hurt, sadness and grief, but to say that my heart really hurt or my heart really ached, that was a new experience today. Over the last week I have walked this journey, but somehow today, when the Fertility doctor was drawing on his computer sketch pad and explaining everything over again, with detail our first doctor explained, all the while watching his hand draw and his lips speak, all in slow motion, as if in a dream.... if only.

I am fully, officially diagnosed with Premature Ovarian Failure (POF). I am 36 years old... I am married to a wonderful man. I have a beautiful blessing of a daughter...one I now realize was my miracle, and yet, there is a hole and an ache that I have never felt before. Seems sorta selfish I suppose, I already have so much... and of course, I know God is always at work and His plan is always good... but even standing in faith there is pain. I know that.... pain is something I have experienced before, as we all have. I have wonderful pillars of faith surrounding me, all encouraging me in my walk of faith.... people reminding me that God can do anything He chooses..... and while I know all this to be true, I also know that my feelings are real... and instead of planning on another baby and all that entails, I am needing to begin my research of Hormone replacement therapy and the natural options I prefer.......what a difference 2 weeks makes.

I have a husband and a daughter, and I have to continue to be a wife and mama, and love the blessings I have... but at the same time, I have to process the journey I am on. I don't want to stuff things down and bandage pain up as I have in the past, hiding behind religion... I want to take the past experiences with disappointment and utilize all I learned during those journeys. ~~God is big enough to handle my pain and my anger, my sadness and my hurt, my grief and disappointment. Grace covers me as I process this journey. But it is a journey that requires processing... so, I will take my love of writing and write. I will process the journey, knowing God will get my through it... and my heart will heal.... and I will be the wife and mom that I need and want to be.

This will be my journey....

P