POF.. Hormone Replacement Therapy...

WHO KNEW??   I am 36 years old... ok, I will be 37 on August 17th...but still, really??  Spending the day searching for natural HRT is NOT what I ever imagined I would be doing at this point in my life.  I remember chatting with Mrs. G about it and all her research, but never did I imagine I would be looking into it for myself at this point in my journey...but I am... and in a funny way, for those that know me, it is easy to understand that immersing myself in the very best treatment I can find is the best way to handle this. I will say it, I am an extremist... and that is the only way I will get through it all.  Pour all my self into what needs to happen next... and hope at the end of it all I will feel like I have accomplished something.

So here it is friends....

Hotflashes ... YUP, I have had them
Sleeplessness...Yup, that's been me
Memory Lapses.... what was that????
Mood swings.... ask my hubby (at least there is a reason now!!)

The list goes on and on.... and I have experienced them in the last year to two years... yup... I can go before you and cheer you on in 10-15 years..... if I can remain sane that is....

So I spent the day searching, and crying, and searching and crying.... and I found a Dr. here in my city and will be placing my call tomorrow.... I still can't believe it, but I guess I need to do something other than sit and cry, right?

Heartache....

Can you feel heartache? Literally feel your heart aching? I wasn't sure it was possible. I have felt pain and hurt, sadness and grief, but to say that my heart really hurt or my heart really ached, that was a new experience today. Over the last week I have walked this journey, but somehow today, when the Fertility doctor was drawing on his computer sketch pad and explaining everything over again, with detail our first doctor explained, all the while watching his hand draw and his lips speak, all in slow motion, as if in a dream.... if only.

I am fully, officially diagnosed with Premature Ovarian Failure (POF). I am 36 years old... I am married to a wonderful man. I have a beautiful blessing of a daughter...one I now realize was my miracle, and yet, there is a hole and an ache that I have never felt before. Seems sorta selfish I suppose, I already have so much... and of course, I know God is always at work and His plan is always good... but even standing in faith there is pain. I know that.... pain is something I have experienced before, as we all have. I have wonderful pillars of faith surrounding me, all encouraging me in my walk of faith.... people reminding me that God can do anything He chooses..... and while I know all this to be true, I also know that my feelings are real... and instead of planning on another baby and all that entails, I am needing to begin my research of Hormone replacement therapy and the natural options I prefer.......what a difference 2 weeks makes.

I have a husband and a daughter, and I have to continue to be a wife and mama, and love the blessings I have... but at the same time, I have to process the journey I am on. I don't want to stuff things down and bandage pain up as I have in the past, hiding behind religion... I want to take the past experiences with disappointment and utilize all I learned during those journeys. ~~God is big enough to handle my pain and my anger, my sadness and my hurt, my grief and disappointment. Grace covers me as I process this journey. But it is a journey that requires processing... so, I will take my love of writing and write. I will process the journey, knowing God will get my through it... and my heart will heal.... and I will be the wife and mom that I need and want to be.

This will be my journey....

P